Friday, October 30, 2009

If I Was A Bird...

You got me caught in a stormy eye world of dreams
and I beg to see truth and promises you made to me
now we’ve come so far but my visions of happiness
with you in my life I’m afraid and confused
If I was a bird I’d fly

If I was a bird I’d fly away
spread my wings so I’d escape
If I was the sky
I’d let it rain to wash away the pain

If I was a bird I’d fly away
spread my wings so I’d escape
If I was the sky
I’d let it rain to wash away the pain

Floetry "If I was a Bird"

Last night while grading papers the above song came on my iTunes playlist, and instead of thinking about a stormy love relationship like the song implies it made me think about my tumultuous relationship w/ academia. For as long as I can remember I have been known as the "smart" girl. I'm that girl that almost always has a book stashed in her purse just in case there's time to read a chapter. My love of books soon led to me falling in love with school. School has always been my first love and anything else was merely a mistress... a fling... that is until recently.

Lately, I have found myself wanting to burn all my books and drop out of my PhD program. Some days I wake up excited for the day of research and writing ahead. Other days I wake up and the mere thought of reading one more scholarly article makes me want to vomit. Like the song says "if I were a bird I'd fly away..."

My relationship with my first love has reached the stormy point that many long term romantic relationships experience. When it's time to make a choice between weathering the storm and going our separate ways. And much like being at a crossroads in a romantic relationship my head and heart are not agreeing. My head says take the M.A. and run on May 15th. My heart says noooo you can't give up... we've been in this since you were 3 and your mom enrolled you in pre-k... think about all the good times we've shared... all the A's you've received... all the C's that you knew did not mean you were average... don't you remember the thrill of your college acceptance letters... and what about finding out you got into graduate school... you can't let a few bad times ruin a good thing. This is usually when my head chimes in and reminds me that dating someone for 23 years does not mean they're you're only option... don't forget about all the sleep lost... all the fun missed out on will studying... and aren't you tired of being broke.

So, I dedicate the following songs to my first love as I try to decide whether it's time to walk away or take a break.

Letoya Luckett "Torn"

A part of me wants to leave.
But a part of me wants to be here with you.
And every time I think we're over and done you do something to get me back loving you.
And you got me just torn.

Torn in between the two. (Oh yeah)
Cuz I really wanna be with you.
But something's telling me I should leave you alone. (I really want to be with you)
Leave you alone.
Leave you alone.

Heather Headley "I Wish I Wasn't"

When you touch me my heart melts
And everything you did wrong I forgive
So you play me and take advantage
Of the love
that I feel for you
Why you wanna hurt me so bad
I believed in you that's why I'm so mad
Now I'm drowning in

I wish I wasn't in love with you
So you couldn't hurt me
it just ain't fair the way you treat me
No you don't
deserve me
Wasting my time thinking bout you when you ain't never gon change
I wish I wasn't in love with you so I
wouldn't feel this way

Vivian Green "Emotional Rollercoaster"

Yesterday I told myself I was gonna be okay.
Gonna start a new day be truly happy.
I was gonna take control of me.
But eventually reality hit me.
Mentally, physically, emotionally.
And I opened my eyes and realized
that I was still being taken for a constant ride oh no

I'm on a emotional rollercoaster.

Loving you aint nothing healthy.
Loving you was never good for me.
But I can't get off.

1 comment:

TheMochaPeach said...

I totally get this...*sigh*. Totally...